I’ve always thought my greatest fear was something superficial, like snakes or high places. I vividly remember the time I was playing outside of my grandparents’ house and a baby snake slithered up near me. Thankfully, it was exterminated rather quickly.
I’ve also never been a huge fan of heights. I love the view and don’t mind the climb. The opportunity to see a beautiful landscape or experience something thrilling is exciting at first, but the getting down part takes the joy out of it every single time.
It wasn’t until I began this road that I realized the truth behind my greatest fear. It’s not creepy, crawly things or roller coasters. It’s not death or loss. It’s not even fear of missing out or being left behind.
No. It’s much simpler, yet much more complicated than that.
My greatest fear is rejection.
It’s why it’s taken me eight days to publish another post.
Because what if no one likes it? What if I’m humiliated?
It’s why it took me three weeks to get photos edited and returned. (Sorry, Clair).
Because what if they hate the work I’ve done? What if they regret hiring me? What if they wish they had trusted their special moment to someone else?
It’s why I would rather write or text than talk in person.
Because if I’m rejected through a letter or a phone, no one can see my disappointment. No one can see me fall a part.
It’s why I say “yes” when I really should say no.
Because if I say “yes,” if I make myself useful, valuable, then the chances of being rejecting are much smaller than if I say “no.”
It’s why I am a people-pleaser.
Because as long as I’m doing everything I can to make people happy, they will love me. They will prove that I am worthy of love.
And that’s why this blog, this year is going to be one of the most challenging:
It’s time to face my fears.
It’s time to forgive my flaws.
It’s time to find my faith.
Because I don’t want to live a life full of fear.
Because despite what I have come to believe, I am worthy of love.
With or without your approval.
Now, if only I could believe that.
Diary of a Girl from Nowhere 