Day 98 of 366

It’s been 30 days since I wrote with purpose.

Every time I have sat down to write, the words just don’t flow with ease the way they used to.

My last post was about working on the “shoulda/coulda/woulda” game, and surprisingly, even in a global pandemic, I have done extremely well with that.

My therapist and I were talking about my stress and anxiety levels last week. And to be quite honest, they aren’t any higher than they normally are. I actually feel normal. I know other people are freaking out and their anxiety levels are through the roof, but this is me on a normal day. This is what I live with, and I’ve learned so much over the last year about how to deal with my own anxiety that these high stress situations are where I excel. It’s where I feel most comfortable.

I know that there are things that are out of my control. What’s happen is going to happen. I’m working to control the things I can and doing my best to keep my own anxiety in check. In times like these, it’s so easy to compartmentalize my feelings and focus on the task at hand.

Right now that task is figuring out how to balance completing all my school duties at home, while making sure Gabe and Sutton don’t fall too far behind, and then keeping them engaged and entertained and fed, plus the house cleaned and laundry done. It’s kinda insane, but it’s my controlled chaos, and I like knowing that everyone is where they are supposed to be.

I’m doing my best to trust. It’s not always easy. But I’m working on it.

I have been documenting some of the things that have happened, and eventually, I’ll write them all down in here. For now, I’m going to sleep–the one thing my body is resisting.