It’s been a year.

You know that song “it’s been a year…”??

Well, it’s been a year. 

If we’re being honest, it’s been a couple of “years.” 

They haven’t all been bad. There have been some really great moments. Core memories that I’ll treasure forever. Surprising the kids with a trip to Disney Christmas 2020, baseball weekends at Baum in 2021, San Francisco this summer, and the everyday moments full of laughter and love.

But like everyone, there have been some really dark moments in the great ones. And nightmares scattered throughout…ones I wish I could forget. Marriage is hard. Raising kids is hard. Blended families are hard. LIFE is hard.

The new year always brings about reflection and focusing on what my word of the year will be.

My word for 2020 was “no.” By the end of that year, I realized that learning to say no actually meant I was able to say “yes” to the things that truly mattered.

My word for 2021 was “joy.” But then I quickly realized it was supposed to be “pause.” Exactly what I needed in that rough year. 

My word for 2022 was “resilience.” After a year of “no/yes” and a year of “pause,” I thought I was ready for resilience. I started the year by reading Brene Brown’s “Rising Strong,” and I was ready. 

Until I wasn’t. 

One of the key factors of resiliency is overcoming shame. Shame from your past, shame from guilt, shame from things that are out of your control. I worked hard this year at fighting back and trying to not let shame and guilt steal my joy. But I failed. Oh, how I failed. 

When I think back on the last few years, I always have the best intentions. I’m going to post a picture a day. I’m going to cook more and teach the kids to cook. I’m going to do laundry throughout the week. We’re going to do Bible studies. I’m going to finally make it through the Bible in a year. I’m going to really put the time into my photography business. We’re going to cut back on after-school activities, so we have less “stuff” to do and more family time. We’re going to get out and ride our bikes as a family. I’m really going to stick with my blog this year, maybe finally write that book I’ve always dreamed of writing. My planner is going to be perfectly organized, perfectly budgeted, perfectly perfect. I’m going to be a better mom. A better wife. A better daughter. Sister. Friend. Employee. Better version of me.

I build the tower. Everything in its place. And all goes well. 

Until it doesn’t. 

Someone gets sick. Someone wants to try this sport. We have three kids, and they all love three different things. I schedule mini-sessions, and 8 people sign up. But 5 back out the night before. I miss a day of my Bible reading. Then, I miss twelve. What weekend do we ride bikes? When do I have time to cook and clean and do laundry and make it to everyone’s activities and do a Bible lesson and get everyone in bed before 9pm?

Before I know it, the shame, the guilt takes over, and I’m done. 

Where does that leave me?

With my word for 2023…(or phrase, because it rhymes and makes the writer in me happy).

2023: Let It Be

I considered “let it go,” but honestly, I know I can’t do that. I have control issues. It’s something I continue to work on, but I know myself well enough to know that I would fail miserably and setting myself up for a bigger failure is not really ideal. Soooooo, I’m going to “let it be.” I’m going to sit in my mistakes and failures. I’m going to rejoice in my triumphs and successes. I’m going to celebrate and cry. I’m going to give myself grace, the same grace that I so freely give others but refuse to give myself. And I’m going to do this all with God in my corner. I know He will sit with me in the good, the bad, and the real ugly. He knows I can’t “let it go” just yet, but He knows I desperately want to learn to “let it be.”

So here we are. January 1, 2023. Taking a different approach this year. No big ideals, no grand schemes. None of the “new year, new me.” Just “let it be.”