Day 1 of 366

“This will be my year.”

Don’t we say that every year? Or some version of that? I’ll lose the weight. I’ll get control of the finances. I’ll do this. I’ll do that.

We make these lofty goals, with no plan in place to reach them.

Years ago, the idea of a “word” for the year surfaced, and when we moved to El Dorado, I was thrilled that our preacher encouraged and challenged people to do the same.

For years, I’ve been ditching resolutions and choosing to live out a word. 2019 was “joy,” and I failed.

Anxiety and depression, migraines and health struggles plagued my year. I finally agreed to see a therapist in August, and for the last four and a half months, I have been going once a week.

It’s been my saving grace, a true God thing.

For one hour a week, I don’t have to pretend.

I don’t have to put on a brave face. I don’t have to be in control. I don’t have to be perfect. I can let my guard down. I can cry and vent and let it go.

For years I’ve lived with shame and guilt of things that are out of my control. I’ve placed undeserved pressure on myself to be perfect. I’ve tried to please everyone around me to the point of making myself sick. My anxiety has increased tenfold and is nearing an unhealthy level of obsessive compulsiveness. I’ve sacrificed my happiness over and over and over again, all because I thought that it’s what was required of me.

It’s not.

God doesn’t require me to be perfect. That’s what grace and mercy are for.

He knows I have limits. He doesn’t expect me to surpass them time and time again, leaving my own cup empty and empty and empty.

If I keep giving and giving and giving, what will I have to give Him? To give my family? Where is the balance? How can I be exceptional, perfect at all the things?

Truth? I can’t.

And that has led me to my word for 2020.

No.

This year is about finding my way to a balance of health and happiness by saying “no.” By learning that just because I have the ‘time’ to do something, doesn’t mean I have the capacity to do it well. By allowing myself to let go of the control I cling to. By letting others take the reigns. By not signing up for every committee or event. By not being so busy that I’m so weary.

I want to be a better wife. A better mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Teacher. I want to get my priorities straight. I want to excel in a few things instead of being good at everything. Am I talented? Yes. Can I do it all? Yes. But can I do it all well? No. And that’s where the problem lies.

I’m burnt out. I’m tired—actually, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be at the end of my rope, dangling, clinging for life like the scared 18 year old who didn’t know better all those years ago. Because I do. I know better. I know God has a plan for me, and this year, I’m on my road of discovering what exactly that plan is.

So I’m going to say no. I’m going to tell myself “no.” I’m going to allow myself the freedom to put my faith first, family second. I’m going to allow myself grace in my imperfections. I’m going to allow myself mercy when I say “yes” when I know I should have said “no.”

Will this change overnight? Did I wake up today, and after nearly 33 years of always saying “yes,” change my ways? HA! Absolutely not!

But with God’s guidance, my husband’s help and my therapist’s time, I will learn the balance I’ve so desperately needed.

Here’s to 2020: my year of no!